In 2022, I attended a women's conference where a speaker shared her struggle with feeling guilty for finding happiness and joy after her husband's death. This sentiment is common among widows, often referred to as survivor's remorse. It's the feeling of guilt that arises when you start enjoying life and moving forward after such a significant loss. Hearing her words was life-changing for me. In this season, I have decided to embrace the possibility of finding companionship and love again. It feels good to get excited about receiving a call or text message from someone you genuinely like. It's heartening to realize that you can feel these emotions for someone else.
When you initially become a widow, the idea of dating or finding new companionship is the furthest thing from your mind because you're so focused on the love and companionship you lost. As time passes and you heal from the loss of your spouse, you begin to grieve the actual relationship and the life you thought you would have. This is often when people realize they are open to dating again.
Embracing Milestones and Overcoming Guilt
Dating is a significant step in a widow's journey, but many other milestones can also be difficult to celebrate without feeling guilty. I still live in the same home that Chris and I shared. When I contemplated purchasing a home last year, it was hard to process the thought of buying my first home without my husband. This feeling wasn't just about missing Chris; it was about achieving a milestone I always thought I would reach as a married woman.
Even deciding how I should be addressed—Ms. or Mrs.—has been a struggle. Many widows feel that Mrs. is the most appropriate, especially if they haven't changed their name. Since Cotton is my married name, technically, I should be addressed as Mrs. when using my last name. I used to be very adamant about this because it reverenced my journey, but now I'm more flexible. I tend not to correct people anymore, especially as I now feel single rather than married. When you initially become a widow, you feel and act married for some time. It took about two years for me to actually feel single again.
Celebrating Achievements
Celebrating achievements is another challenge for widows. Many wonderful things have happened to me over the last year, and while I know I should be extremely proud, sometimes I feel a pang of sadness thinking, "I can't believe I can't invite my husband to this." It's not always about missing the specific person but rather the life status you expected to have at this point.
Even when dating, it's hard to decide whether to bring a date to events. You might not be serious enough to introduce them to everyone, or you might wonder, "Should I bring a date? What will people think? Is it too soon?" While the opinions of others shouldn't matter, they often do. Now, I'm choosing to do what makes me comfortable and happy, rather than worrying about what others might think. This decision has been incredibly freeing and is a pivotal step in my process.
Navigating Social Interactions
Sometimes, being around nuclear families can be difficult, even when we're all friends. It's a reminder of what my life "should have" been like. I was a young bride, and we waited a long time to have children because we wanted to build a solid foundation. Although thoughts about what "could have been" still cross my mind, they are becoming less frequent. I trust that the Lord knows what is best for me. If this journey is necessary, then whatever He has in store for me must be greater than anything I could have imagined.
I have more good days than bad at this point, for which I am extremely grateful. When I have emotional days, I make sure to lean into my relationship with the Lord. In this season, I am choosing joy. Choosing joy means deciding to find happiness and peace despite life's challenges. It doesn't mean I'll always be happy or never feel grief. It means I find peace in knowing that everything will work out as it should.
I always say that I wouldn't have chosen this journey for myself, but I love the woman I am becoming, and I wouldn't be her without this journey. I've promised myself that as wonderful and amazing things continue to happen for me, I will celebrate as loud as I cried.
I love y'all, be encouraged. 💙
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